Half a Century Later
By: Andréa Drottholm
I turned 50. Where am I today? What have I achieved? Am I happy with my life? What am I proud of? Am I considered a success?
Big existential questions.
Some might think important to review once life, past, present, and future.
What are my ambitions? Where do I go from here on? What am I? Stepping Stones?
I am at a place where something is expected to have to one's name.
The Mrs thus so far, not happened. corporate career, academic titles, the wealth of material abundance, none of that sort.
Does that feel like a failure? Not really, as it was never sought. My Drive was to travel, to go far to explore the worlds all corners up the smallest roads. As the less the path was trodden, the more it kept me going. It took me here, it took me there, sometimes to a dead end where there was nowhere to go.
This was my excitement, as it was my school of learning my PhD in adventures and explore my curiosity, to know to learn to understand Everything. How it all connects. For this I wanted to see the upper world, the lower world, the far extremes to oppose two sides of the same coin.
Languages. Words expressed with gestures, some less some more. Words brings an understanding in the difference and openness of a door that lets you in.
What have I learned? Perhaps, that the more I learn, the less I know.
My Truth is my truth, not necessarily the other one's truth. I don't need to compete for intelligence recognition. I might hold on to information that can be right. But it can also be wrong. Nothing to prove to no one, to no one at all. as external validation keeps me stuck in a loophole, running in circles, chasing my tail to fix and repair, what they told me is broken and never enough. They told me never ever that in fact I am whole and complete.
Instead, to keep searching for that missing piece. Years on end of endless searching, and yes still today, as the programming is so rooted, that love you only deserved of if God gave approval and sins washed and gone.
I come to see what a power play of a matrix caught us in an entangled meshed web, programming, fear to hold us in a prison, it is time to get free.
I must not give up. As a child I was free, free to believe I was invincible. guilty of nothing. Play more, and play more, what else was there, to life, to be? My own path has been taken perhaps unusual to some. I followed my heart as I knew when I felt her sing her song. When she wasn't singing it was time for change to kick in. changes I made lived a life well-travelled with treasures of memories within. I learned that no matter what I am always alone, me myself and I. Sometimes with someone on my side but even then I had one mission the most important to take care of me, myself and I as no one I repeat, no one would take care of better than Me.
When this is looked after and filled with joy, as the heart was heard, as she sang her song, love spills over to those around. If that is my gift and what I can share. I will do it freely, abundantly as long as I know it came from the spare, not to be selfish, not to forget that I'm never alone.
But to not keep waiting for someone else to make me feel whole and fix me. As then I can be waiting forever and ever and insist that yes, they're right. The Broken needs fixing, find a solution until it's done. Nothing to fix. Nothing to do here. Let me just surrender to God, to do what God does best to run the whole show, all and everything. Watch what might happen instead. At the end of the day, The dots will all connect. We're all one. One is who we are never alone but always myself.
Dots all connecting life is a projection of an illusion in a whirlwind dance, pulling and tugging where stillness and balance brings us back to centre, where breathing can be done. Breath keeps us going tension releasing. It's how life functions simply saying all is ONE.